Why Does the Victim of a Cheater Get Blamed?

I've seen countless incidents of a spouse engaging in romantic infidelity, and then blaming their spouse. His wife didn't do this or that. She was too focused on the kids. Their sex life wasn't spicy enough. He didn't feel loved and appreciated.  She made the home life hard.

Let's be clear: Blaming the victim of your bad behavior is wrong. No matter how unhappy you are in your marriage, having an extramarital affair is wrong. If you're unhappy, you should leave the relationship first and then start any other relationship you might be interested in.

But let's talk about why cheaters blame their spouses. It's an interesting turnabout in a situation in which the cheater is in the wrong.

Now don't get me wrong... When a marriage breaks down there is usually some responsibility that both spouses bear. Maybe there were communication problems that went unaddressed. Maybe they didn't pay enough attention to each other. Maybe one or both of them didn't work on the marriage. Both people play at least *some* part in the breakdown of a marriage.

But cheating? That wrong act is squarely on the shoulders of the cheater. So why does a cheating husband blame his wife and make it seem like it's her fault and he had no choice?

The number one reason that unfaithful spouses blame their partners for their bad behavior is because they do not want to accept responsibility for their wrongdoing. If a cheating husband can shift some or all of the blame to his wife, then his actions aren't all that bad. What he did is not "as wrong" as if he had to accept all of the responsibility.

Cheaters often refuse accountability in many areas of their lives. So if your husband cheated, you might step back and look at whether there are other areas of his life in which he refuses to take responsibility too.

In many infidelity situations, instead of talking about the fact that he cheated, the husband wants to talk about how upset he is that you found out about his betrayal. You found the text messages or the phone call history. You found a receipt for a dinner or a hotel. You found the secret credit card. You saw some social media history that led you to the affair partner. Instead of addressing the cheating, he wants to talk about how you "invaded his privacy."

Mind games are common with cheaters.

By blaming their partner, a cheater can avoid taking responsibility. But this usually creates even more pain for the victim of the betrayal. It is typical to feel shame and guilt when you have been cheated on. The victims often feel inadequate, and their cheating husbands will play on those feelings and engage in further manipulation.

If you are the victim of the cheater, please know that this is not your fault. No mater what you did or did not do in your marriage, you still deserved fidelity and honesty from your husband. Please do not accept his blame for his bad actions. You are the victim, and it is not your fault that he had an affair.