Sharing Kids' Expenses After Divorce

One of the biggest sources of conflict with a co-parent after divorce is money. Sometimes getting your ex to pay child support is a huge problem. On top of that, you have expenses for the kids that aren't covered by child support. And there are expenses that often get overlooked during the divorce process. We think about the larger ticket items for the kids' futures, but it's the little things that can cause big problems.

Rising costs for younger children include daycare expenses, diapers, and medical expenses. But it's easy to forget about things that can add up.... on the medical side you might forget about over the counter medications or time off work to stay home with a sick child.

As your children grow, so do the costs.

Extracurricular expenses add up fast. The school supply list gets longer and more expensive. Clothes cost more, even if you're not into fancy brands. There will be more friends, which leads to more birthday parties and gifts to purchase. When you have a teenager, you may have planned for who buys the first car, but did you consider gas, insurance, and maintenance?

What about prom and graduation expenses? Then, there's college. Besides tuition, which is often planned for, there are costs that tuition doesn't always cover like dorm furnishings, food, collegiate extracurriculars, etc.

Many times these "extra" expenses are not addressed in divorce decrees, and this causes lots of problems down the road.

Often one parent, usually the custodial parent, bears the brunt of these "forgotten" expenses. Getting reimbursed from your co-parent can sometimes be more trouble than it's worth, creating bitterness and sensitivity when other money-related issues arise. You might even be in a position where the issue is so exhausting, that you don't even bother to ask him to pay his share anymore. But often this will put financial strain on you.

What can you do to avoid or reduce the co-parenting arguments about child-related expenses?

The best option is to address them in your parenting plan. Preparing for as many of these expenses ahead of time before or during the divorce process is key. Have very clear financial responsibilities outlined, along with the steps that will be taken if either of you do not comply with the plan. Agreeing on who covers what early in this process will help reduce conflict.

You should also have a clear process for deciding on what expenses will be incurred. Often, one parent will complain that a child is in too many activities, or the chosen summer camp is too expensive, or they "never agreed to" the purchase of certain items. This can be a tricky area, as you could be divorcing someone who will never agree to anything or will leave you hanging when a decision needs to be made.

Next, have a backup plan for your kids' extra expenses. If your ex doesn't pay his share of the extracurriculars, auto expenses, or college tuition, what will you do? For example, this may mean eliminating some of the extracurriculars, as they may simply be unaffordable without the contribution from the other parent. The backup plan is never fun, but it's necessary to think about the worst case scenario so you are ready in the even that your parenting plan is not followed.

Finally, do your best to shield your kids from the conflict surrounding finances. Try not to put them in the middle of things, by having them ask the other parent for money or by hearing you criticize your ex's handling of the situation. Financial conflict is hard for everyone, but let's try to keep the children out of the arguments as much as possible.